Sunday, March 22, 2009

Torn

Jenni's lungs seem to be worse today. Her oxygen is up to 60% and she had to be given extra sedation because she is struggling with the ventilator. I asked the doctors to make a decision on whether or not they are willing to do the experimental procedure, and the doctor returned a few hours later without the answers I was really hoping to get. She explained to me that although Jenni's lungs are worse, her blood pressure and heart rate are fairly stable, and perhaps slightly improved. He seems to think that her condition isn't dangerous enough to attempt something so drastic.

Unfortunately, this leaves me in the same position I found myself in this morning... wondering whether I am making Jenni suffer for nothing or if I need to give her the time to fight back. When she struggles with the machine, she looks like she is panicked... terrified... I don't know how many times I can see that in her eyes before I have to let her be at peace. I just hope that I'm not already holding on longer than I should.

Please pray that God will lend me the strength and wisdom I need to make the right choices...

42 comments:

Mrs. R said...

Heavenly Father, I lift Josh up to you today. Please guide him in this painful journey. Give him peace, Lord. Give him the wisdom he needs in this difficult time. Amen.

Erin Ringrose (friend of Lindsey Beam)

Anonymous said...

Josh, I can not imagine being in the place you are in and having to make the decisions you have to make. All I know is you have made the right ones since the beginning and Jenni trust you. She would want you to fight like you have and do what you think is best. There is no words I can say to guide you, besides pray and let God give you this answers. I know that you love her and that you have been praying, we all are praying for a miracle. Listen to your heart and to God. Nomatter what..know you did everything for her and she knows that..we all know that. Praying for you in this time and praying God leads you to the answers you need. Love you both. I'm only a phone call away..910-206-0288 anytime day or night. Katie

Anonymous said...

Father, You said, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” Josh needs your wisdom, your peace, and your reassurance. Thank you for filling him now with Yourself, and help him rest in You.
Father, we also continue to stand on Your Word, "He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon Him; and with His stripes we are healed," for complete and miraculous healing for Jenni. In Jesus name, Amen.

Amber Killian said...

Josh, I am praying for you and there are a lot of other people who are too. Please know that you and Jenni are both in my thoughts and prayers every single day. I have never met you or Jenni, but I am thinking of you and praying for both of you.

In God's Love,

Amber Killian

Anonymous said...

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you shoud go. I will counsel you and watch over you. Ps. 32:8

Anonymous said...

Josh
Stay strong & have faith in God that the decisions you make are good. Do what you believe Jenni wants you to do & that I would think is fight. I still believe Jenni will be our miracle from the ICU.
You & yours are in our thoughts & prayers. Josh you'll know when the time to stop fighting is....God hasn't left you yet.
With love & prayers.
Mary Parker & family

Anonymous said...

Josh,
We're still here, and we will be praying that God will touch your heart and tell you what to do. We're headed to the church, and we'll relay this 5:01 p.m. report to those at Laboratory who are there. May you have peace of mind, and may Jenni be better.
Love, Dan and Leeanne

jason said...

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strenghten you, yea I will help you, yea I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness." Is 41:10

Praying for you all! Dawn

Anonymous said...

No matter what you decide to do. God is in control. Don't try to carry the burden, put it all in his hands. Jenni's heavenly father knows his plans for her and your future.Jer 29:11 'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."

I know it easier said than done. I could not imagine being in your shoes.I admire your courage. You guys are in my prayers.

Rev 21:4
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. "

Anonymous said...

Josh,
My name is Brooke Simmons and I went to West Rockingham Elementary School with Jenni and Judi. Jenni used to come and spend the night with me all the time. We were the best of friends. I just want to let you know that I constantly pray for Jenni all day and all night. I am praying for a miracle to happen in her life and I truly believe in miracles and we know that God can heal all. I try to remember the fact that Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead which proves how much power he holds in his hands. I am so happy that Jenni has such a wonderful husband and so much support. I will continue to pray for Jenni and for you, to give you the strength you need. Thank you for the updates, and may God bless. Let us never forget, he is the miracle worker. May God place his hands upon Jenni's body and make the devil of sickness get out of her body in Jesus' name. Love, Brooke Simmons

Anonymous said...

Josh and family,
I was sorry to hear about Jenni being back in the hospital and not doing well. We just want you to know that our thoughts and prayers are with you all during this difficult time. Love and Prayers with you all, Charles and Lisa Vandermark and family

aplacetotalkandthinkoutloud.blogspot.com said...

Debbie, Layne, Judy... let me know if I can do anything for any of you guys or Josh I know he won't. I will gladly come back up there anytime. Call me for anything - 828-238-2682
Just Josh

Scott said...

I have no words of wisdom or guidance for you. My grandmother knew when it was time to let go. My other grandfather also knew. My In-laws with my wife's grandmother also knew. My great aunt did as well. The next part is difficult for me to write, so forgive me if I fumble this. I can't fathom what it is like to be in your shoes. Each of my relatives had that mystical wisdom that comes with age and over 40 years of marriage. All I can say is, is you'll know. And you will have a true understanding of St Paul's words, "the peace that surpasseth all understanding," if that time comes. And if you continue to struggle with what to do, Mr Wallace, Judi and Layne have all had to say goodbye to their wife/mother well before it was right for them to have done so. She was and is a great woman, a saint, now with the Church Triumphant. Mr Wallace and Layne will let you know when it is time, if you don't already know. Very difficult decisions have been placed in your hands and I am sorry beyond words and description this has happened. Just know that you are not on an island and are not alone even though you feel like you are.

Scott

"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner."

Anonymous said...

Love comes to us as a miraculous gift from God and sometimes that gift must return to Him before we would choose as humans. Whatever the choice, Jenni and Josh, your testimony has reached far beyond where you ever thought it might go. Prayers and love are with entire family constantly. God Bless, Sophia

tyler said...

I am praying. Josh, if you need someone to give you a ride, I can.
much love,

Anonymous said...

You all continue to be in our prayers. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I wish I had the words to say to make this easier for you. We continually ask God for wisdom, comfort and peace.
Janet

Anonymous said...

We are still praying for Jenni, Josh and their family. Josh know that you are not alone...God is with you every step of the way.

UNCP Teaching Fellows

Anonymous said...

Josh, the Lord will give you the answers. Jenni is a fighter you know that. God bless you and give you the wisdom you long for.


Gretchen

Anonymous said...

Josh, My heart breaks for you. There is NO WAY I can begin to understand what you are going through. PLEASE know that we have not stopped praying. One thing I DO know is that even when WE don't know what to do GOD is in control. Though we NEVER want our loved ones to leave us we find comfort in knowing where they will go. Jenni is Heaven bound whether it be now or many years in the future and we can all find peace when we know our loved ones are Heaven bound....even through the hurt. If you need anything please let us know!
With much love,
Matt and Makia

Anonymous said...

Josh, we wish we could help you. We are asking God to heal Jenni wholely and completely, and also to give you wisdom in making these decisions for her. Please know that we are here for you, and constantly praying for Jenni, you, and your families. We love you.

"Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son." --Matthew 21:22

Love,
Beth & Nic Hall

Rici said...

There are no words any of us can say that will make this easier for you or make you feel more at ease with this. Just know that we are all praying for you. For strength, wisdom and peace.

Melissa said...

Josh, This is so hard to write, but I have to say that I cannot fathom how you must be feeling right now nor understand all the emotions that are bombarding you. I have been praying for your strength (as well as the rest of the family's) since this began. You have already shown amazing strength and wisdom, far beyond our years. I have also prayed for God's Will to be done. We don't know what that is, but I believe that God will let you know in His time. Like someone else has posted earlier, you have others there to help you, lean on each other...God is with you all.
All our love and prayers, Melissa, Ronnie & Ethan
Josh, call me anytime...I'm here for ya. 336-879-5489

Ciji said...

Josh, May God be with you both during this time. I know he will give you the wisdom you long for! I love you both and know we are all praying. Love Ciji

Anonymous said...

Josh,
Jeff and I have just arrived home. Please know that our hearts are still with you. Hunter and Alicyn send their love to you and Aunt Jenni. Please give my little sister a hug and a kiss for me. I will see you soon.
Amy

C.F.Mercer said...

Josh, I have been praying ever since your last post. I have no words of wisdom to share. I only know God is good and He will hakp you make the right decisions. I know from personal experience it is hard. but you have to listen to God and your heart. I will continue praying for you and all. We all know how much love you and Jenni share. Love cfm

Anonymous said...

Josh and family,
We are continuing to lift all of you in our prayers. We are asking for understanding and peace. May God continue to do his work. Jenni is a fighter and she trusts you Josh to do what you feel is best. We ask for his hand to embrace all of you and for his annointing upon Jenni's body. Tara Hancock and family

Emily Dawkins said...

You don't know me, and I don't know you, but my heart is absolutely breaking for you. I cannot imagine what you all are going through. The amount of love and prayer that has been poured out for your family amazes and inspires me. Never before have I seen anything such as this. I just keep praying for God's will to be done, and that He will let you know what that is, and ease your burden. I am praying for a miracle, for strength and wisdom, for peace. Even though we've never met, I know that Jenni knows how much she is loved. Everyone knows how much she is loved. Everyone should be loved like that.

Anonymous said...

Josh and Family,
I have known Jenni since we were in elementary school together. Haven't really kept in touch but were aware of each other. I just seen Judy a few weeks ago when she was in clinicals. I have never had to go through what you are going through but as a nurse have seen the pain of other families having to decide when enough is enough. I know God will let you know what to do... My favorite scripture is John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.....I think it fits what you are going through. I have been praying for you and your family alot. Prayer can change things.....Casey

Donna Meadows said...

Josh,

Every moment you have with Jenni is worth it. You will need to know, no matter what, that you tried everything that you possibly could to help her fight for this life. When my husband was being told he was inevitably going to die, I researched most every waking free moment that I had looking for something, anything that could cure him or help him. The countless hours of research, the extensive dollars spent on alternative uncovered treatments, and the many hours in prayer have never been a regret. I held out hope until the very end; while some may see that as a sign of not facing reality, I think it is a sign of not being a quitter or giving up.

I am deeply sorry that you are even facing this day with Jenni. My heart breaks for you. It is my earnest prayer that God will sweep in with miraculous healing for her body; if that isn't to be, my God will carry you through the grief that will consume you. Please know that God has not abandoned you even when you don't understand and want to yell "WHY?!"

I feel your pain because I've been where you are. As you sit there with Jenni' life teetering between life and death, it is my prayer that IF God chooses to take your precious Jenni, that you would have a final defining moment with her. I had one with my husband. He lay there with no improvement, no change for the worse, and I decided to send everyone away to be alone with him. I climbed up into his hospital bed, put my lips to his ear and uttered every way I loved him, everything I loved about him and everything I was going to miss in him. And, when I finished doing this, I kissed him. Immediately after I kissed him, he took his final breath. That defining moment has been a comfort to me in the 19 months since he left this world.

I hesitated writing this because in no way do I encourage you to give up hope because God can heal your Jenni. I have cried tears this whole past week for you two as Jenni fights for her life and you carry this deep anguish for her.

I will continue to bear this burden for you and your family and lift you all up to the Almighty Healer.

Donna Meadows

Anonymous said...

Josh,

I am praying for you and I have my church as well as my friends on FaceBook praying. Whatever comes of the situation, God has heard prayers of many. My heart breaks for you and your family. Should you need anything please let Layne know! He was one of my roommates at WCU.

Timothy Younts

Donna said...

God, give Josh the wisdom and peace to make these overwhelming decisions on behalf of Jenni. Surround him with Your love as we all pray for healing today. And, help us all remember that Your will and plan is the greatest of them all...

Anonymous said...

Josh, you are in our prayers. And I agree with everyone else that has said above know you did everything you could and she knows that. ~Kara

Lyssa said...

Josh, someday my dear husband will be in your shoes, but until then I cannot imagine what you are going through, so I am praying. The verses that keeps coming to my head is;

~ "Your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him." Matthew 6:8
~ "Your faith should not be in the wisdom of men but in the power of God." 1 Corinthians 2:5
~ "Behold, I am the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is there snything too hard for Me?"
Jeremiah 32:27

I hope that these verses can give you some much sought after peace.

Love & Aloha
Lyssa Moura & Ohana

Anonymous said...

Josh,,,just know that God is with you and you are not ever alone...He will be by your side no matter what decisions you make....You have thousands and thousands of people praying for Jenni and I know God is listening to them all and he can perform miracles..Never give up Josh....The faith that you have will carry you farther than anything else in life can so hold on tight to it and let it guide you thru it all...
As always I will continue to pray not only for Jenni but for you and her family in this time of need...Just remember there are people who are there for you to lean on. And don't be afraid to lean on them....

God be with you always.....

Scott said...

Prayers lifted.

Scott

"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner."

Anonymous said...

Throughout the course of treatment im sure if it wasnt for you Jenni would not be getting the attention she is. Having you by her side is the best thing she has right now because you, like jenni, are a fighter. And in situations like this, thats all you can be. The lord will know when its time to take his child of god home, and until you get a definite sign of that, you continue to push and pray and do everything you can to save the woman you love, We all know if the situation were turned around, she would be doing the very exact thing for you.

Anonymous said...

I have put off writing, because it brings me to tears everytime i try, but i feel i have to let you know that since Jenni's blog was sent to me i feel like i have known you guys forever. Jenni and your entire family are in my prayers and my family's prayers, I have also put Jenni and all of you on our prayer request at church. God give you strengh, peace, comfort and understanding. JMM, winnabow, nc

Anonymous said...

when we come to the end of our rope we mst tie a knot in it and hold on..so hold on my friend..God is with you you..he is our comforter..lean not on your own understanding but seek his presence..so many people that you've never even met are standing in faith with you and your famiy..Though some are 1000s of miles away God is still the middle and hears all our pleas..he is on your side..Keep fighting..Let the holy spirit lead you Josh..Find a place to be alone with our father and cry out to him to show you the way..He's with you..Lean on all of those around you who love you and jenni so much..You guys are all spirit filled born again children of the King..You are just as worthy to lay down before his thrown as he is to sit upon it..He has known you long before you were born and he knows your every need..I love all of you..and will continue to pray for Jenni's healing to be manifested..God is in Control..Praise him for all he's done and is yet to do..

your sister in christ
charity

Anonymous said...

Father God, in the name of Jesus I ask that you provide the guidance and the peace that is needed in this situation. Please reveal yourself to this intercessor in a way that he is for sure about all decisions that are made. God I'm believing that you always know what is best and you will help him to know. Bless Jenni, god for she too needs peace and relief from suffering. Heal her body in the way that you see fit. In Jesus name.

Anonymous said...

Josh & Jenni,
I've been thinking a lot about the both of you lately since I learned about Jenni being back in the hospital. I understand what you are going through beause my family went through the same things with my MaMaw, my Big Nanny, and my Uncle Joe. I'm praying for you every day and know that whatever decisions you have to make will be the right ones for the both of you. Your friend, Ed.

Edward Wittenberg
UNC-Pembroke

Anonymous said...

Josh, This is Andrea Jenni's cousin whom you have never met. I can't think of, or imagine what you are going thru. I do know that being in respiratory that it is hard to make the decisions you have to make. Jenni will be ok. The Lord Jesus has another plan for her and always remember that she will be your angel. I hope and pray what ever decision you have to make that others will understand why you did and have an undrstanding for the choice you made. My aunt Marie has been the girls angels for all these years and Jenni will be just meeting her mom in a far better place. You be strong and know that one day you will be with her again. Much love for you and I wish you would whisper to her and let her know that I love her. My thoughts and prayers are with you and the rest of the family. Andrea

Anonymous said...

Dear Josh, Judi, Layne and family...As one who has walked in just about the same shoes as yourself, you have all my thoughts and prayers at this time. The decisions you make will be ones made from your heart for the well being of Jenni. She has fought so hard for so long. I pray that what ever your decisions are....you will know they were the right ones. Please don't ever second guess yourself and know that you have done all you can. She is such a wonderful person and knows how much she is loved. God bless you all at this time.

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